Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
