No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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