So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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