Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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