Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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