my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
