I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
