I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
