she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
