how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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