I didn't shave. On purpose
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
