Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
