I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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