so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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