and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
