So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
