Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
