I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
