Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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