my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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