The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
