I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
