Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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