True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
