Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
