I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
