why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
