Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
