How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
