Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
