Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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