Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
