Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
