The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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