I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
