Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
well, you know. whores of a feather.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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