i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
