just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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