I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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