If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize