I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
