You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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