jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
