I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
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I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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