I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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