I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
