When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
