Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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