winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
