a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She's like a pop up book from hell.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We're too hungover to prance.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
