i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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