Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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