I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
